dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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