Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You had me at "let me see your balls"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
