i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
