my mouth tastes like poor choices
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
