Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
