youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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