You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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