when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
