If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just want nice things and good sex
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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