I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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