So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
