i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
