I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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