I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
