I bet he comes in French.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
