Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
