My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
