I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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