His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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