i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I came so hard my ears popped.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
