Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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