Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
