is wine microwaveable?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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