I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
