I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
