I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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