Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
