So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
