Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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