some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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