Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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