pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
