Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
