Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
