why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I understand Curling. That high.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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