Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
