Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
