the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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