I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize