i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
