im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Hippo gnu deer
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
