so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
