no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
