I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
