I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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