dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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