somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
two words...techno handjob
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
