Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
