the only muscles i have these days is kegels
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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