Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
