Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
