omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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